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 Good Morning, Baltimore
What can I say? I just had to see the road show of "Hairspray" starring Bruce Vilanch! And it wasn't heading anywhere near my home in Nashville as far as I could tell. Could Music City even fathom a mother played by a man…I don't think so! The more I thought about it, the more I thought that its debut in Baltimore would be the penultimate place to experience this theatrical event. Plus one of my longtime e-mail buddies, Steve Weiner (baltoboy) lived there to boot! I thought it would be a great way to experience both…seeing Bruce Vilanch in "Hairspray" and finally meeting Steve. Well, my dreams came true. Yes! The power of positive thought.
As everyone reading this knows, I've been a fan of Bette Midler for a dog's age, and the same goes for Bruce. I created two websites, one for each. I'm blonde, and knew nothing of HTML a year ago. But just like the Bush administration, I know how to surround an idiot with power players. And I became a HIT!
I told Steve that Barry (my partner) and I would be flying up to Baltimore when "Hairspray" made its debut and he was ecstatic….and why wouldn't he be??? After all…I am Mister D! I also warned Mister Vilanch of my impending arrival just in case he wanted to ditch the show and stick with his day job. Oddly enough, he was not scared and carried on with his daily life of being funny and generous at the same time. However, there was one hitch that I had not thought of before.
 Steve informed me that those damn, snooty theatre subscribers get first dibs at the good seats, and from the many articles we had read, we found that there would probably be no more seats available when opened to the general (i.e., uncultured) public. I informed Mister Vilanch of our dilemma and suddenly the Chesapeake Bay parted. He took pity and made sure that we had seats for the first Saturday night performance during previews week. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, so I was extremely grateful beyond mere words. Somehow, "thank you" just doesn't seem to be enough. Mister V also said it would be nice to meet at last…after all, we had been e-mail buddies for at least 2 years. This was more than I had ever hoped for. But I digress…everything was in motion…..Barry and I booked a room at the Mount Vernon in Baltimore from Sept 12th to Sept 15th.
Goodbye Nashville, Hello Baltimore
* Got to the Nashville Airport at 8:00 AM
* Took off boots, necklace, belt before reaching security….why bother to wait until they tell me to do it. Passed with flying colors. However, fell down upon entry of foot into boot. Not cool!
* Male flight attendant acknowledges my Bootleg Betty T-shirt …Asks me if I'm Bootleg Betty…I tell him no, it's a website…."For whom?" he asks. "Betty Boop?"…I said, no, Bette Midler….He says "Oh, I know her"…I was impressed.
* Slept thru flight to Pittsburg
* Coffee binged at Pittsburgh terminal, or was it a mall?! I mean they had a fucking "Gap" store in there!!!!
* Lady selling coffee asked how she knew me…I told her I was Mister D! That didn't ring a bell, so I asked her what
famous people she had waited on. She excitedly told me Louie Anderson and Jon Voight. Suddenly, I didn't feel well about my appearance. I assured her I was neither…
* Arrived in Baltimore…all luggage intact. Steve is waiting outside for us in his cute, red Saturn…it was raining and humid. We hugged, made our introductions, and he then whisked us off to the beautiful Mt Vernon Hotel which I had chosen on-line for it's location, and, above all, cheapness….however, the pics looked good on-line!
* The hotel lobby was a hodgepodge of antiques with an odd assortment of fake white wedding cakes placed strategically on certain table tops. I was confused, yet strangely started craving sugar icing. I have no idea why those cakes were there…I guess someone thought they were pretty.
* The room is a disaster…peeling paint, black mold, and a window facing what appeared to be a Catholic Church. I paraded around naked a lot during my stay there, hoping to attract a priest. Guess I was too old!
 Going To A Garden Party
Steve gave us about 2 hours to settle in at our hotel before we began our Baltimore adventure. We used those 2 hours to sleep…I laid a towel over the huge stain that was atop the bedspread. I felt safe now. Barry was smarter and just took his bedspread off the bed and reminding me that I would have to use that towel later to dry my face! He's always right…..dammit!
We met Steve outside as rain began to fall upon the city. I loved Steve right away….he is cute, intelligent, and plays the best beats in his car. He is also chockfull of Balty history and trivia, while I still have no clue as to how I came out of the loins of my parents! But that's a whole other article…
Blonde Moment #1: Steve tells me that crabs are everywhere in the city. I am appalled and ask if we are to be careful walking on the sidewalks! Steve informs me that he meant I will see a lot of crab products, like food stuff, souvenirs, and so on. Barry gives me a certain look!
Steve had arranged for us to go to a little community gathering for dinner. We were taken to Steve's neighborhood in Hampden (John Waters' movie, Pecker, was filmed here….even got to see the Laundromat where some of the scenes were shot) where we ate at a garden center store called Mill Valley Garden Center. Like many other stores there, it was mixed among row houses, both residential and commercial. I loved it! The owner was Cheryl, who features Mick's Whiskey Island Pirate Shop Products (http://www.whiskeyisland.com). Every once in awhile Mick cooks up a buffet, and Cheryl sends out invites to the neighborhood…and it's free. Now that's being neighborly.
While there I met one of Steve's neighbor's, Kim, who admitted being a fan of Bootleg Betty to my face….I liked that. She was very charming and easy to talk to; and I also found out she was the one who created Steve's BaltoBoy Logo that I use on my site. We artistes stick together!
The food and wine were delicious, and included pumpkin sloppy Joes, and meatless crab cakes. The seasonings used were available for sale in the store. It was very spicy…and I wanted more. By the way, there were some crab souvenirs for sale there, too. Sheesh!
Steve's Sanctuary
After leaving the restaurant, Steve drove us to his house. It, too, is what I call a row house, and no they aren't houseboats! They are like 3 story townhouses, but not. They are very old and what I consider to be homey….they just exude warmth. The first thing I noticed upon entering Steve's abode was a giant Mona Dearly sitting on top of a floor lamp, along with Bathhouse Betty at its foot. I knew then that this house would be decorated in early, mid, and modern Midler….I was correct. There was Bette Midler booty everywhere amongst all the family memorabilia…dolls, pics, posters, lighters, buttons, and drawers of magazines. It was a fan's dream. I spent quite a bit of time going through everything while Steve and Barry talked Macs...
bbooorrriiiiiinngggg!!!!!
While we were there, Don Bandel of the old "Best on Bette" fan club from the seventies and early eighties called to say he wouldn't be able to make it to see "Hairspray" with us. He was having car trouble and just could not chance a breakdown. I was able to talk to him for awhile and he had so many Bette stories to tell, we decided we'd just have to resume our conversation later. He has a great New Jersey accent which to mean only heightens the authenticity of his stories. He still remains friends with Bette. Before we hung up we decided that some of us would try to get together for one of Bette's shows and try to meet with her afterwards. For all my bravado, I have yet to meet the Divine. Maybe This Time! (Damn I just quoted a Liza song!)
Needless to say, we stayed at Steve's a couple of hours so I could slough through his Midler Museum. It still wasn't enough time, but I knew I had a couple of more days left, so I was dragged out of the house somewhat willingly.
On the way back to the hotel, Steve told me he had flowers sent to Bruce Vilanch at the Mechanic Theatre with the inscription I had requested. I must admit I got some help from Snook, one of my website elves. Anyway, this is what it read:
"From the folks who foisted "We Got Bruce" and "Bootleg Betty" on you, we now humbly bestow upon you, this insignificant bouquet as a token of our great esteem and hope that you will find it worthy of your approval. (If not, we should have followed majority rule and gone plastic) Thank you so much for the tickets...looking forward to meeting you after the show! Signed: Mister D, Barry, Steve, Darrell, Snook, and Bev!"
I thanked Steve profusely for doing that because we spent big bucks, and artistes are not made of money, mind you! The flower arrangements came from: Flowers by Chris (http://flowersbychris.com) They ended up being gorgeous, by the way.
Steve dropped us off at the Mt. Vernon Hotel and just in time. Barry and I were pooped. But not pooped enough to give you a little history lesson. The Mt. Vernon Hotel, located in the Mt. Vernon neighborhood, features the first monument erected in honor of President Washington, and the area around it has won a number of awards for urban planning. Movie trivia buffs will be interested to know that one of the houses there was used in the filming of "The Red Dragon", where Hannibal Lechter entertains some unsuspecting houseguests. I felt so at ease at that point.
Before I got into my bedclothes I made another appearance naked at the window...and Nada!!! Barry and I climbed into bed and both of us began to itch. In unison we said: "Damn. Crabs".
Good Morning Baltimore!: The Day of the Show
I find out early on that Steve is an early riser like Barry...I hate them both. Steve calls about 8:00 AM and informs us that he is taking us to breakfast at Café Hon. (pronounced as in, "right this way, hun") Café Hon was everything and more than I thought it would be…like an old 50's diner with good greasy eggs and pancakes…it was seriously yummy!!! My only regret is that I didn't pick up one of their T-shirts, which has a caricature of a waitress with a Beehive hairdo…very retro!
After breakfast we waddled across the street to "Hometown Girl" where I bought some "Hairspray" memorabilia and a colorful, yet, oh-so-tacky picture frame. My dream was to enclose within the frame my future pic with Mister Vilanch. I tilted my head skyward and imagined my meeting with Bruce while the Everly Brothers sang "Dream" in the background. Barry slapped me like Cher in Moonstruck: "Snap out of it", he said. And Sexy Steve was just trying to figure out why people were in relationships in the first place...especially with me! Little does he know about the binding strength of S & M. I'm sure there's a study somewhere that proves this bond…isn't there always???
We left to go to Steve's house, which was actually just around the corner…and just in time. It was hot, humid, and about to downpour. Steve brought 2 umbrellas...a beautiful working one for him, and one of those inverted umbrellas with wires sticking out for Barry and me...Steve is so thoughtful I thought. Actually, he tried to get us to trade umbrellas and then find a place to buy one, but he didn't yet realize how cheap Barry is!
Once back at Steve's house, we took some pictures of Bette memorabilia for Darrell who runs the website, Bette on the Boards (www.betteontheboards.com). Steve finally got my attention by showing me his big, white, shiny Mac. I even got to touch it AND play with it. I found it to be hard at first, but once I became familiar with it, the hardness softened and it was putty in my hands. I felt like puffing a cigarette afterwards, but then I realized...I don't smoke! Anyway, Steve gave me a shit load of pictures and cool music to bring home with me on CD. The thought of sharing them with all of you reading has crossed my mind...but only briefly. Plus it would slow down my story which is already dragging...let's move on. It's back to the hotel to get ready for the show!
 The Pre-Show Dinner Jitters at Sascha's
Getting ready for the dinner and the show was easy. I just threw on whatever fit. The ensemble turned out to be a black pair of jeans, cowboy boots, a sparkly, see-through glittery V-shaped sweater, a black velvet vest to cover up the rolls of fat displayed by the see-through sweater, a Oscar de la Renta jacket (houndstooth), and prescription sunglasses. I looked….HORRIBLE! But it would have to do. When you become Divine, as I have, you learn to accept anything about yourself…or become self-delusional.
Sascha's was just around the corner from our hotel, so we told Steve we would walk there and meet he and his friends at 5:30 PM. Steve told us, in case we got there early, that the reservations were made under the name Bootleg Betty. I was so proud…my baby, my creation, was now a reservation. Once again, Steve had won me over!
In total, there were 12 of us at dinner. And the place was fabulous, including the service, food, and company. There was myself, Barry, Steve, his boyfriend, Bill (a doctor, a doctor!), his co-worker, Don, a couple, Don and Paul, another couple, Ken (a rodeo hunk) and Joe, and Michael. We had a great time getting to know each other, but not all were going to the show…only 6 of us would be heading on later to the theatre. The restaurant owner, Sascha, came over to introduce herself and told us that John Water's had just left. She knew why we were there, and thought we might find that interesting. Very thoughtful! Of course, if we had known of his presence earlier, we could have ogled. Maybe that's why she waited until he was gone.
Blonde Moment #2: In my rush to look cool by wearing sunglasses, I forgot to bring my real glasses. People were holding candles for me when the bill came because it was so dark I couldn't read or see where to sign. It was very embarrassing, since everyone else seemed naturally at ease in their own skin. Barry had walked back to the hotel to get my real glasses, so I would actually be able to see the show that night. Remember to always choose practicality over vanity!
After dinner some of us said our goodbyes, and then I, Barry, Steve, Dr. Bill, Don, and Michael began our 6 block trek to the Mechanic Theatre to see "Hairspray". And judging from my wilting hair, that is exactly what I needed.
It's Showtime!
When we arrived at the box office, I asked if there were any tickets being held for Don Bradshaw, and just as Mr. Vilanch promised, there were six waiting. We had arrived somewhat late, so we rushed quickly to our seats which turned out to be primo! We were in the orchestra, dead center, right at the slant where one can see over everybody's head. Awesome!
A couple of minutes later a man with a headset came to our row and asked which of us were Mr. Bradshaw. I stood up slowly like in that old game show, "To Tell The Truth." For a moment, I wasn't sure who I was. The man turned out to be the stage manager. He informed my group and I that Mr. Vilanch was expecting us, and to wait at out seats after the show. After the crowd cleared, they would motion for us to come to the stage entrance where we would be escorted back to meet Bruce Almighty! All pressure was off now. I just thought, "what a gentleman to go to all this trouble", and then of course, I started worrying about what we all would talk about. But that would have to wait, since the curtain started to rise. "Good Morning, Baltimore!!!" I'll never get those 3 notes out of my head...
The show was even better than I had dreamed it would be, led by the talented Bruce Vilanch (Edna Turnblad), Charlotte Crossley (Motormouth Maybelle) and a strong cast of unknowns. I, myself, own the soundtrack to "Hairspray", but this was even better. Names to watch out for are Carly Jibson (Tracy Turnblad), Sandra Denise (Penny Pingleton) , Austin Miller (Link), Terron Brooks (Seaweed), Jordan Ballard (Amber Von Tussle), and Susan Cella (Velma Von Tussle). The entire cast was incredible, as was the score and book by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman. Describing the joyousness of this musical and its celebration of acceptance and hope would be like trying to describe the beauty of the sky...which I am not equipped to do.
Carly was a tiny, but heavy bundle of joy...light on her feet and a powerhouse in the vocal department. Mister Vilanch gave a well-rounded performance that was both undertstated, yet full of comic punch when called for. The man knows about comic timing. His duet with the loveable Todd Susman was a romantic highlight. And Mister V can sing, too! Charlotte Crossley brought down the house with an inspiring gospel ballad that eventually included the whole cast. For those who don't know...she was one of Bette Midler's most enduring Harlettes. It was good to see her back in the spotlight doing what she does best...Sangin'! By now most people know about this musical, but don't just read about it...when it comes to your town, treat yourself to something that will make you laugh, think, and lift your spirits. You can't leave this show without a smile plastered across your face, and good luck trying to get some of the songs out of your head as well.
 Getting Vilanched!
After the more than deserved standing ovation, the six of us just stood in our place waiting for the audience to filter out into the night air. Seemingly, within minutes, we saw the stage/production manager wave us to the backstage entrance. I don't know why, but I felt my mind go blank (of course, being blonde, that is my usual, comfortable state of being). I knew everything would be all right, then. As they say, ignorance is bliss.
As we were led towards Bruce's dressing room, I couldn't help but notice all the equipment that was used to put on this extravaganza…plus the stage manger kept telling me to watch out for all the cables as if I'd….oops, I just tripped! Dammit! And I was doing so well! Everybody else seemed to walk through the jungle of cables without a mere wobble, why oh why, couldn't I? I attributed it to the pressure I felt…being Divine is not as easy as it seems.
We were told to wait in a hallway until Mr. Vilanch's dresser came to escort us to his dressing room. I took this opportunity to peek around for some of the naked actors…shouldn't they be showering and roaming around, I thought. No such luck…no chance of seeing Link's link.
At last the dresser came out and said Mr. Vilanch was ready to see us. I came upon the door with a star on it…it said, Bruce Vilanch. I sheepishly knocked on the door and opened it. There was Mister V wrapped in a fabric with little red, puckered lips from his chest down to his shins. It even matched the wallpaper and pillows, if my memory serves me right. He had his wig off, but was still in make-up and his trademark eyeglasses. He had one hand on his hip, and the other in his hair, welcoming us in as a combination of Mae West, Bette Midler, Jayne Mansfield, and Bruce Vilanch…all rolled into one. I can't even remember what he said…my mind was just racing so…so much I wanted to say and accomplish without boring the total shit out of him.
I went up and hugged him and gave him a Hollywood peck on the cheek even though he warned me I might get body make-up all over my vest. I didn't care one iota about that…I gently rubbed my hand thru the top of his blonde mane and said I saw a little Bette Midler thing going on with this look. Without missing a beat, he pointed to an article he had hanging on the wall where he told a reporter that he warned Bette that if she got fat….this is what she'd look like. I thought he was still sexy! By then, of course, everybody had filed into the dressing room which now made it a little tight, but doable.
I asked him if he had gotten his flowers, and he said "yes" while pointing to them. There were 6 of us there and six names on the card. I could tell he seemed a little confused, because we were a group of all men and there were 2 girls name's on the card…Bev and Snook. He inquired, "well which one of you is Snook?…anybody named Snook, I have to meet". I told him that she was not here, nor Bev…just 3 of us that really work on the sites were actually present. Therefore, he asked me to go around the room and introduce everybody. Sensing that he might not know who I was
(yes, Blonde Moment #3)…I said well, "I'm…", and he cut me off and said, "I know who you are, you're the Divine Mr. D!"…Nobody had actually ever verbalized those words, before. I thought I was going to die right there, but I kept my cool. From this point I remember going around the room and introducing everybody. As each person was introduced, they told him how much they loved the show and the performances. Nobody was exaggerating, either! From here on out, my mind is fuzzy.
I told Mister Vilanch that we had brought him a few gifts. I had been carting around a gift bag all night. While I was rummaging through it, Steve brought up the subject of Bette Midler and her new CD. We had just heard clips from it on the Sony site. Steve made the comment that "we know Bette doesn't listen to her fans suggestions, but…", then Bruce chimed in, with, "nor anybody else for that matter!"…well, I started braying…I don't know about anybody else, but I thought that was particularly funny and probably a little bit true! Anyway, Steve asked for him to pass along to her that we thought she should do a dance mix of "Mambo Italiano" and "Come On A My House"…we thought that would spark some action with the dance crowd. Mister Vilanch said he was sure that Barry had already decided to do just that with "Mambo". The other song we're not too sure about.
I started pulling stuff out of the gift bag. First thing was an NYRP bag which he thought was cute, cute…I thought he could print out all the e-mails I send him and thoroughly read them while touring across the country…you know, to keep him down to earth. I also brought him a CD of my brother's music along with his picture. He commented on how cute my brother was, as opposed to me I'm sure, and asked if he was a country singer. I told him not really, but close enough. I thought he would enjoy some of my brother's songwriting, and it was a personal gift. One gift I didn't have ready was a CD of some songs I had recorded, many of them being Bette covers. I thought it might help him appreciate her that much more. I also told him that Brandon H. and I had co-written a song for him. Unfortunately, since I am a major procrastinator, I didn't get it finished in time. I told him I would get the CD to him while he was on the road at some point. Seems like so many times we know so much about celebrities…I thought I'd give Bruce the chance to know something about me, my friends, and my family. I then presented a video tape that Darrell had made him…a montage of Bette through the years with some of her songs in the background. I have a copy of it and it is a very moving tribute. Last, but not least, we presented an original T-shirt for Mister Vilanch…a We Got Bruce T-shirt with his photo on the front and the MGM-like logo of him on the back. He said, "I really do look like Harry Potter!" He seemed to be very appreciative of it, especially since it was one of a kind.
At that point, I think I got anxious and said that maybe we should be going. Of course, I had not even thought about pictures….he asked if we wanted any pictures…maybe he asked that earlier...I don't know. I had completely gone numb I think. I also realized I needed to get Darrell an autograph and, of course, some of the others wanted autographs, too. Poses were made and cameras were flashing…just a blur at that point. I remember others talking to him and I remember, stupidly, telling him how Barry just hates musicals. Bruce's response was "Well, we'll be glad to do "Medea" tomorrow night." I think I brayed again…however, I had to finish by saying that this was the first musical Barry had ever liked…EVER! I have taken him to everything..."Music Man", "Cabaret", "Rent", as well as "Les Miserables" (as was Barry sitting through it) and "Phantom". He liked none of it. In fact, he began to despise anything Andrew Lloyd Weber…and I'm sure if he ever sees Sarah Brightman, she may lose her overbite for good. Mister Vilanch was very pleased that Barry enjoyed the show, probably because he cherishes his teeth!
After we all mugged for the camera, I got the impression that it was time to go. Mister V had put on a highly energetic performance and deserved his rest. We thanked Bruce once more for the great tickets and treating us like princes (princesses). As we filed out of the room, his dresser gave us complimentary T-shirts from Bruce's personal collection. The two I acquired read "Blonde" and "Sweet". I thought, how appropriate. I poked my head back in Mister V's dressing room one more time to say "thank you". What a great guy!
As we all walked back to our respective destinations, we were giddy with excitement. What a night and what a way to end it. I was just hoping I could fall asleep. That night Barry and I didn't itch, and all was well...
Barry's Big Fat Blonde Moment
The next day all was calm. Of course I, Barry, and Steve talked about the night before and how much fun we had. Steve took us to Jimmy's in Fells Point, a landmark eatery where they seemed to specialize in great breakfasts. It was kind of a "dive", but it had character. Many politicians and athletes have eaten there….there's even a table reserved for the elite. We didn't sit there!
After brunch, we boarded a water taxi to Harborplace to check out where Steve works at the Maryland Bay Company. While there, we said "hello" to Don, who had gone to the show with us that night and who also a works with Steve. Barry and I were also introduced to another co-worker, Miss Frances. She was a kind spirit and made us feel very welcome.
It must be said at this point that while on the water taxi to Harborplace, Barry showed us the pictures that were taken from the night before of Bruce and all of our little mugshots. Five minutes later, Barry had accidentally erased every single picture we had taken on our wondrous new digital video camera. Needless to say, for the rest of the day there was this gloomy cloud of silence between the three of us. No one would say it, but Barry just had his first taste of experiencing the Biggest Blonde Moment of His Life! Suddenly I felt like I had coal black hair…Later on, we were able to retrieve pictures from Michael who had snapped some shots of us while backstage. We were concerned that his pictures might be a tad "blurry" since he had had a little too much to drink by the time we had gone backstage. I can't remember how many times he "God Blessed" Bruce for playing Edna. However, thank God for Michael!
We spent the rest of the day walking around the harbor and taking in the sights. We went to Federal Hill where I put a cannon between my legs, went high atop the Baltimore World Trade Center, and visited the Aquarium to see the seahorse exhibit and the dolphin show. All of this was fun, exciting, and took my mind off the lost pictures. At the end of the day we went back to Steve's house and chilled out. Later on in the night we talked to Darrell and told him all about our adventures. We decided to have a late, late dinner at the Papermoon Café near Johns Hopkins University. Inside was a very interesting mix of mannequins, dolls, robots…and other odd assortments of things.
Blonde Moment #4: I ask Steve if he is Catholic!? He and Barry look at me incredulously, then Steve reminds me his last name is Weiner!!!! Okay, so I wasn't thinking…Catholic, Jewish, Whatever!!! Okay I was really bone-tired! We had a nice laugh over that one…
We got back to the hotel very, very late. I was too tired to dance in front of the window and too tired to start scratching. Let the crabs eat me for all I care! Goodnight, Baltimore.
Bye Bye Balty, Howdy Nashville!
Our last day in Baltimore, Barry and I decided to sleep in late. I don't even think we ate that morning, and if we did, well fabulous. I normally eat just one meal a day and then gorge at night, but Steve was trying to acclimate me towards eating 3 smaller meals a day, none of which included Hershey Kisses.
Steve picked us up from the hotel and took us over to his house where we decided to just hang out and watch a DVD, "House of a 1000 Corpses", directed by heavy metal freakazoid, Rob Zombie. It was much in the same vein as "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", except funny. I like horror movies, but more in the line of "Sixth Sense" or "The Ring". But this was definitely interesting, especially since it starred Karen Black. Still it did have some creepy moments, but eventually fell into the "camp" category.
After the movie, we gathered all our belongings and Steve hauled our asses to the Baltimore Airport. Upon arriving, we all hugged goodbye. All of us seemed to enjoy each other's company, so there was a certain sadness to the farewells. But we intend to visit Steve again and hopefully one day he can mosey on down to Nashville.
Once Barry and I got inside the airport, we knew there would be trouble by the huge line. Of course, we wouldn't be able to make our flight connection in Pittsburgh on time, so the ticket MASTER had to reroute us, which meant having to take a taxi to the D.C. airport. We would be arriving home 5 hours behind schedule if we were lucky.
The D.C. airport proved to be fairly dead and fairly lacking in humor. They even had a sign where you go through security, "No Joking Please!" I thought that was funny for some reason. Anyway I was carrying Barry's briefcase with my stuff in it. That was our only carry-on. When we were going thru the line, I had taken my belt off and my pants kept slipping down, but not in the cool way all the rapper wanna-be's wear them. I kept having to pull my pants up. Barry informed me that when security asked whose bag is this, he would be the one to say, "it's mine"...even though I had been carrying it the whole time...
Blonde Moment #5: When the security guard asked "whose bag is this?", Barry and I in unison said, "it's mine". Yes, I wasn't thinking. And it just flummoxed the poor security lady. I told her it was really Barry's bag, but my stuff was in it. I might as well have been carrying nail clippers. Bottom Line: We were both tagged to be searched.
I was not scared or anything...I just felt the whole ordeal was silly. They made me take off my shoes and waved some Star Wars laser around me...it kept beeping. Finally the security guard, told me to stand up and spread 'em...meaning my legs and raising my arms. Since he was wearing rubber gloves, I just assumed he said "bend over", too...SO I DID!!!! And the crack of my ass was hanging out, too. He started laughing and said that was unnecessary. So why the rubber gloves? Anyway, I still was beeping...he laughed about the Telly Savalas, "Who Loves Ya, Baby?" T-shirt I was wearing and asked where I had gotten it...I told him the famous, Mr. Bruce Vilanch gave it to me. He said, "I know him...he's funny"...I was impressed. Anyway, the beeping from his wand kept alerting them that I must be carrying something horrible...we eventually found the culprit in my wallet...my Bettefest 2001 group picture....Scary!!! Problem solved.
The flight from then on was flawless. We touched down in Nashville around midnight and made it home safe and sound. No matter how good a time you have traveling to different places, like Baltimore - where the crabs have no name, it's always good to be back home. But I can't wait for my next adventure...Hulaween 2003 anybody?
This rambling piece is dedicated to Mr. Bruce Vilanch and Snook. You both inspire me to take a chance.
Thank you!
Love,
Mister D
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