Bette Midler - Bette on the Boards - The Tonight Show

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The Tonight Show
April 17, 1972

GUESTS

Tom Gorman, Orson Bean, Bette Midler,
Paddy Chayefsky

PROGRAM TIME

11:30 p.m. to 1:00 a.m.

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT

The footage from this appearance apparently no longer exists. However, thanks to a very clever fan back in the early days, an audio recording made from the television broadcast does remain. Although that recording can not be shared here on this website, below you will find a written transcript from this appearance documenting what was said and performed during this show.

Johnny Carson		Bill Midler, or whoever, it doesn't make any difference because she's that kind of a personality. I open Friday night in Las Vegas for a week at the Sahara and Miss Midler, as far as I know, will be there. She's gonna open with me. I think she's an exciting talent. She's very individual, and a fine, fine singer. Would you welcome the fabulous Miss M, Bette Midler.
Bette Midler		Hello. This evening we have a song that I would like to dedicated to a lady who has been inspirational in making me what I am today. I mention her name because her name is not mentioned often enough. So this song goes out to a lady who truly deserves it. The Divine Annette Funicello. Never Can Say Goodbye (Clifton Davis) Never can say goodbye Never can say goodbye Even though the pain and heartache Seem to follow me wherever I go Though I try and try to hide my feelings They always seem to show Then you try to say you're leaving me And I always have to say no Tell me why is it so That I, I never can say goodbye Oooo, that's right, you know I never can say goodbye Oh, every time I think I've had enough I start heading for the door There's a very strange vibration Piercing me right to the core It says turn around you fool You know you love me more and more Now ya tell me why is it so Don't wanna let you go, no no I can never can say bye bye babe Whoa, baby I never can say goodbye No no no No no no Woah I never can say goodbye Yes it's true, you know it's true I said I never can say goodbye Well I keep thinking that these problems Are soon all gonna work out But there's that same unhappy feeling There's that anguish, there's that doubt It's the same old did ya hang up Can't live with you or without No you tell me why is it so Don't want to let you go, no no I never can say bye bye babe Whoa, baby I never can say goodbye No no no No no no Woah No no no No no no Never can say bye bye, bum-bum-bum, baby Whoa, baby I never can say goodbye Na na no Na na no Na na no Na na no Na na no Na na no Na na no Na na no
Johnny Carson		I see you're saving your good clothes for the opening, huh? [audience laughs]
Bette Midler		Yes, my dear. I have nothing to wear. I'm all packed.
Johnny Carson		I see. Well, that's alright.
Bette Midler		I've been packed for three weeks honey.
Johnny Carson		You all set to go, are you?
Bette Midler		Oh, I am all set to go. I have it all. Gold lame pedal pushers.
Johnny Carson		They think I'm kidding. We open Friday night in Las Vegas.
Bette Midler		Yes. We are going out to get . . . ahh, I am getting a little frightened, ya know.
Johnny Carson		Oh, you are?
Bette Midler		It's my first real big thing. But ah, but I've been getting in shape.
Johnny Carson		You all set? I think you'll be just grand out there.
Bette Midler		Ahh, I'm looking forward to it.
Johnny Carson		I think you'll knock 'em dead, as they say.
Bette Midler		Are you gonna introduce me to any hot people? [audience laughs] You know, movie stars and things like that?
Johnny Carson		I don't know, sure, if they're around.
Bette Midler		Good.
Johnny Carson		Sure, I'll do all those things.
Bette Midler		Good.
Johnny Carson		You say you got a brand new outfit you're gonna?
Bette Midler		Oh ya, yes! Especially for you John, I ordered little gold lam� pedal pushers, little gold lam� brassier, and a little white shirt that ties under here, ya know, with the sleeves rolled up the collar. It's very 50's. Then my piece de resistance is a pair of those backless shoes, in leopard skin.
Johnny Carson		Humm. [audience laughs]
Bette Midler		I'm gonna walk right out there and everyone, all of those women are gonna say, "my God she looks just like me Harry." [audience laughs]
Johnny Carson		[laughing] I see. You're going to endear yourself right away to the audience.
Bette Midler		Ohhh, fast, fast. I thought I might as well come as sleazy as they are.
Orson Bean		You know what we got down in Miami? It's wonderful and you'd love it. We have the little old ladies in the gold wedgies and ankle socks.
Bette Midler		Ahhh, my favorite.
Johnny Carson		Smart, smart.
Orson Bean		Gold wedgies and ankle socks, and one of those Dowagers humps too.
Bette Midler		[laughing] That's my, those little . . . those little ankle . . .
Orson Bean		You got a Dowagers hump too?
Bette Midler		[laughing] No, no, I can't take . . . that come from bending over too much.
Johnny Carson		You've been in Bermuda haven't you?
Bette Midler		Oh, I've been in . . . yes, I was in Bermuda. Bermuda was a very heavy experience for me, and for my band as well.
Johnny Carson		Oh, you got a name for your group yet?
Bette Midler		No, we don't. We're working on a name. We have two so far. One name we have is Urban Blight.
Johnny Carson		Urban Blight?
Bette Midler		Yes, Urban Blight.
Johnny Carson		I like that.
Bette Midler		I thought that was hot. Then we have Bette Midler and D.O.H. - The Dregs Of Humanity.
Johnny Carson		I see.
Bette Midler		Which I think is also very . . .
Johnny Carson		Urban Blight. I kind of go for Urban Blight.
Bette Midler		Do you have any other suggestions, besides those?
Johnny Carson		Not right off hand. Most of them are probably unspeakable.
Bette Midler		[laughs]
Johnny Carson		I can probably think of some.
Orson Bean		How about Beneath Contempt?
Bette Midler		[laughing] That is fabulous! Oh, I love that! Did ya hear that one boys?
Johnny Carson		How about Bette Midler and the Molesters?
Bette Midler		That wasn't bad.
Johnny Carson		We'll find something. So what was wrong with Bermuda?
Bette Midler		Well, Bermuda was a very strange experience. We were there for two weeks and it rained ten days. Ah, there was a mutiny on the third floor, by these little old ladies with blue hair, ya know.
Johnny Carson		A mutiny?
Bette Midler		A mutiny. They strung up the social director 'cause they'd been in Bermuda as long as we'd been in Bermuda. And it rained incessantly my dears, incessantly. And these little old ladies had played bingo for twenty hours. They had seen a Peter Sellers movie fifteen times. And they were bingoed out. [audience laughs]
Johnny Carson		Nothing worse than being bingoed out.
Bette Midler		Being bingoed out! They were exhausted. The Social Secretary's teeth were chattering saying, "Movies. Bingo. Bingo." Oh, it was terrible.
Johnny Carson		And they had nothing to do and they were going bananas.
Bette Midler		Yeah, they had nothing to do. We were very fortunate because we rented motorbikes, ya know.
Johnny Carson		Oh, yeah?
Bette Midler		Those motorbikes are very dangerous, in case you're on your way to Bermuda. In Bermuda they call them motorized bicycles, but they are really Hondas. They are very dangerous if you don't drive. I don't drive at all, I've never sat behind the steering wheel, and it was terrifying. Because the natives, I don't know where they are going in such a hurry, it's a tiny island, ya know, but wherever it is they're going, they gotta get there. And they are right behind you, ya know, and they cut you off real quick.
Johnny Carson		Oh, dear.
Bette Midler		It was heavy.
Johnny Carson		Heavy.
Bette Midler		They gave me the wrong directions three times. The natives gave me wrong directions three times.
Orson Bean		They were sending you to their house.
Bette Midler		No, they were sending me away from their house. They weren't too crazy about me. I got stuck in a monsoon while they were giving me the wrong directions, ya know.
Johnny Carson		You got a monsoon in Bermuda?
Bette Midler		Yes, it was monsoon season. We were there for the monsoon season.
Johnny Carson		I thought that was India or someplace over there?
Bette Midler		No, it's Bermuda. Anyway, so there I was in the middle of the Monsoon and they kept giving me the wrong directions. So I pulled up to this lady's driveway and she came tearing out of the house saying, "you can't loiter here." I said, "madam, it's monsooning!" [audience laughs] And she said, "well, you must leave, you must not loiter here". I said "madam, I will loiter here until this is over." And I gunned my motor at her. She got terrified and she fled.
Johnny Carson		That'll teach her.
Bette Midler		Yeah.
		[POSSIBLY INCOMPLETE]

INTERESTING FACTS

This was the last time Bette would be a frequent guest on The Tonight Show in New York City. The following month Johnny Carson and the crew moved the show permanently to Los Angeles.

This move also resulted in the tragic loss of all the earlier appearances Bette had made on the show. Many of the master tapes from the New York shows were reused in Los Angeles. Because of this, all the original appearances were taped over and ultimately erased from history.

According to the run sheet, there was a commercial break before Bette did a second number. The audio that remains from this episode does not feature a commercial break. Therefore it must be assumed that only part of this episode's audio was preserved, and the second song performed remains unknown.

THE TONIGHT SHOW PAPERWORK
It was with great amazement when it was discovered that the Library Of Congress in Washington, D.C. had papers in their archives for most of the Tonight Show episodes starting from October 17, 1970. Upon learning this, the paperwork for all of the early episodes featuring Bette Midler were acquired. Since the Johnny Carson people claim these early episodes no longer exist, this paperwork may well be the only record of what took place. Not only that, but this paperwork also gives insights and extra details into the existing episodes.
Episode Run Sheet	Pre-Interview Page 01	Pre-Interview Page 02	Pre-Interview Page 03	Johnny's Cue Card
The Carson Papers document each night's show and the production material pertaining to guest interviews. Typed index cards contain introductory comments for use by Johnny Carson or a substitute host related to each guest. Linked to these cue cards are typed commentaries prepared by researchers from preliminary interviews with a guest outlining areas of interest to be discussed. Also with the file for each show is a listing of commercials, skits, guests, and network pauses in the sequence they occurred. A "Broadcast Standards Acceptability" report includes the names of guests, the host, sponsors, personalities and commercial products mentioned, and references which were censored and edited.

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